Trust as per Wikipedia is a relationship of reliance. Trust does not need to involve belief in the good character, vices, or morals of the other party. Trust is a statement about what is otherwise unknown.

In my dictionary, trust is something a person can choose to have it. You can choose to trust or not that somebody. If you have choosen to trust in it, and later to suspect, this is not the other party's fault but your fault. Human beings like to put the blame on another person but not themselves. I don't know why.

Starting a relationship it means that you trust your partner. You trust him/her on everything, that's the only reason to start a relationship. I mean there are some fools who starts their relationship because of loneliness. I have friends like that. So I'm not surprise. This is another story. Back to my main topic, trust. Being with someone it means you've putted your trust on him/her. But how can the trust be there if suspicion is also there?

Trust tags along with many words. However, one of it in realtionship wise is 'CARE'. When you trust that person, automatically you'll care.. But will the care still be there if the trust is not there? I presume no. If so, I really want to know what is the point on holding something that you have no trust? As it was being said, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was & always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with".

*If you are reading this and feels the fire, I think you are not a stupid person to understand what it's written in here. Not unless your english is weaker than I thought. Like I've said, it's your choice. You ahve the rights to choose what you want to do. But bare in mind whatever decision you have made, whatever the results will be, don't regret crying over the spilt milk. That's all the advice I will say.*

OMG!!! I cannot believe I'm doing this.. I'm working at Royale Bintang being a Guest Service Assistant (GSA) but I've to go through HSK for cross exposure before I start my real job at F/O... Unbelievable I'm back doing bed making again.. Tired like shit!!! The moment I reach home, I'll check my FB and boom.. I'll be sleeping like a pig..

However, I've some benefit on doing this cross training.. I've learnt about the 6 difference rooms there is in Royale Bintang, what they have in those different types of rooms and the facilities.. I can't really remember all, but more or less, I know what they have inside.. Bed making in Royale Bintang is not as easy as in Sunway.. They have 3 layers.. However, the job here is much more lighter compared to in Sunway.. The kakaks here are very helpful.. They really teach you as if you are their permenant in HSK..

Unfortunately, I still miss Sunway.. I really wish I can go back to Sunway.. But there are many things there which is stopping me from going back.. First of all is the complication of the replationship wise.. I know it has nothing to do with me especially I have Joey, Sayang & Sly here to support me.. But more or less, those 8 po people in Sunway really make me beh tahan them.. Moreover, some people in Sunway also very lanci especially those who have been just promoted.. Say hi to them like saying hi to a wall.. Especially a dirty bastard whose surname is Tai.. He nothing but a jerk.. Only knwo how to act innocent.. Fuck it la.. Haha...

Still considering how I want to react if Sunway really call me up for the medical check up.. Should I go or should I reject???

It's been months since that day.. I've told myself to let go and I'm still telling myself to let go until now.. Why can't I just fucking let you go??? Many ways I've used to get you fucking out of my life.. But if never seem to work.. Can say I'm weak ba... Whenever I've let you out a bit, the very moment I hear you have something on, I'm back once more.. How longwill this take me to let you go?

Knowing Sayang is the best thing of my life.. He made me stressless I should say.. However, that doesn't make him my lover.. My own bf has been stealed away by someone else, I don't want to be that person stealing other people's lover. I'm not that bitchy afterall.. Or not so complicated..

Do you know because of you, I've caused Sayang into troubled? I know it's not your fault but mine. However if the main reason wasn't you, I wouldn't have needed to do this. I've been telling you Sayang, Sayang and Sayang.. Even putted Sayang's picture on my phone & iTouch just for you to see. But all this was to draw my attention away from you. No more looking at you, no more thinking about you..

Today, when I read back all of our previous message from YahooMail to friendster messages from you when we first know each other, to our sms since you have my number till the day we broke up, & the messages in facebook that we had our conversation, I'm sorry to say I've broke down again.. My mind ran back to your memories.. I mean back to our memories from the day I saw you in Rainforest till that day mrning your message came to me asking for break up..

And now, I'm no longer in your heart cause my place which used to be in your heart has been taken over by some other girls.. This hurts me very much.. But what can I do? You are not mine from the start. It was a mistake knowing you and being together.. I really hope you do see who is the one who really loves you till now.. Till this very moment when you are in shit, when your sister needed help, who is the one willingly to help? I could have said no.. It's your sister not mine.. I have no connection with you at all.. Why should I be helping? When you are down writting all those things on your shout out, I'm worried.. I wanted to know what is happening.. But I have no rights to know now cause you are no longer mine.. You belong to someone else now..

I'm eally looking forward and praying everyday for you to return one day.. I dono how long will I need to wait.. A year? Centuries? Or never will I get you back, I don't know. But I'm praying and will always be praying till the day you come back to me.. I really miss you..

In life, there are some memories we want to keep it forever, however there are some which is not that happy that we would want to forget. The question is how can one forget or I should put it "How Can One Let Go of the Memory He/She Doesn't Want?"

Does it involve mask? Hiding your true self when it come to facing that problem?
or
Allowing yourself to continue getting hurt for the time being till one day (don't know when it'll come)?
or
Just say what you feel without caring about the other party's feeling (burden/stress)?

The main question of mine is also related to "Do you prefer to hurt yourself or to hurt someone you love?" How can this be answered?
Stingy people who cares for themselves will answer they are the most important thing. However, for those who is caring (I doubt so whomever out there is like that) will choose to sacrifies themself.

Relates back to my previous post, "Life", we are full of choices to make everyday. If you were to let go, you have this kind of ending. However, what if you choose the other one? No one will ever know the answer because each one of us has different life and we live our life differently from another person. So the experiences that we are going through daily is different. So the other road that is not chosen is something where one can fantasize however they like and regret on this very road that they have choosen and is walking on currently..

Another point where one can lose an unwanted memory purposely and it can be accidently is through serious accident that involves brain. Lost of memory would be the best because those memories will not haunt you and you can totally start a brand new life.. The 3 suggestions that I have mentioned will never work for the rest of your life, as long as you live.. Memories can never be erase.. Time cannot be turned back.. Mistakes cannot be undone.. Water that has been poured away can never be collected back..

Haha.. I think I'm starting the hang of babies now. I find them kind of cute.. Whenever I see them smile at me, I feel very happy.. It's like I'm in their world as well.. Wonder if I would ever have my own? After my previous experience with guys, I have phobias with them now. Don't think I'll be having any till I think I'm ready for another go. But.. My hope is still on. It depends on him now to choose.

Have never liked the idea of having baby in the future until he came into my life. But it seems like my wonderful dream has been crushed.. I hope he will make it up to me, or perhaps another guy would proof to me that he is better than that idiot. I just want a sincere and simple guy. Is that so difficult? I don't give a shit if he's rich or poor?? I can take care of my own.. I don't want to use guys money.. I can earn my own.. This is why I want my career. The only thing I'm looking for a partner is to care, love and lend me his shoulder when I feel down. I am giving the same thing out as well. Oh gosh!!! Finding for the right one is so dam difficult..

Anyhow, I've another couple of days and I'm back in Swiss with book, computer and papers. No more seeing babies.. Dam.. Don't know why now I love babies so much.. Find them very innocent look, cute and adorable..

Funny thing.. It's really funny... Or should I put it as weird? How can a person dream of someone whom both parties have not even met before? I mean this 3rd dream has happened longs time before. I think about 3 weeks ago? I mean if he did read this, I believe he'll know when it happened cause when I dreamt about him, I got up and txt him the very next morning. He only dreamt about me once. Not sure what his story line is about me. But mine is weird and funny. Haha.. 3 of the dreams that has him in it is related. Has connection to my ex as well.. 3 dreams happened in 3 different places but having same people in it. 3 of them comes to the same ending eventhough started off with a different story line.

Not telling the whole dream cause it's mine.. Very nice and sweet.. Can only tell the ending which is Sayang stood up for me and fucked my ex upside down. Further in detail not telling too cause is my dream. Want to know just ask me.

Sayang is just someone whom I barely know.. Was introduced by a friend. Has been treating him as one close friend eventhough we have not meet each other.. That's why I'm very looking forward to go back and find for him that very day when I arrive. As for Sunway, I think I'll have to stay away from there for a moment until I can get my ex out of my mind cause I've decided to lock my love eternally..

If he so happens to be "not blind" and can see a clear picture again, I wouldn't mind to unlock my love just for him. But at the moment, I'll just need Sayang and Sly with me.. I trust no other guys around me now. Girls only a few of them I'll trust.. Especially not those in Sunway as there are too many bitches. Stealing people's bf.. What the fuck??? Hate those people. I know that girl is Wai Leng's close friend. I will not make Wai Leng difficult. That's between me and her. Cannot blame her as well. That's my fault for being away from Gerald for so long that causes him to lost his love for me.

I've been here in UK with my cousin and taking care of his children can really train myself up in becoming a mother. Haha.. But I'm really scared of kids at the moment.. Really difficult to take care of. I don't think I want one next time.. I've had enough with kids. Feeding baby, carrying baby to sleep.. Even when she's asleep, I can't even put her down and myself can't even sit down.. OMG!!! I think I've had muscle on my arms now.. Haha..

Talking about kids, had a very funny conversation with Sayang. Will never and can never forget. But at the same time while I was having wonderful time chatting with Sayng during his over night shift, I've received a message from someone whom I can never believe I've received a reply from. If that person know how himself is, I'm not talking bad about you, but just to let you know, I'm not hating you, neither am I backing myself away. But for the time being, I think I'll need some time to gte you out of my mind. I feel that it is enough of living in the dark. You're not coming back, what for am I holding on to you? You and I both will suffer. Might as well I suffer alone from giving up our memories and live on my own. I believe I can do it. With the help of Sayang, in 3 months time shouldn't be a problem. But if I were to do it alone, I might need a longer time. Will come and face you when I think the time is right.

As for Sayang, I'm really glad to see him online these few days.. Being able to chat with him has brighten my days.. Both him and Sly has been the biggest encourager to me for these past 2 months. Sly would call me once a month to talk for about 30min on the phone. I really need to get something good for him, and Sayang too cause he is always there for me when I needed him. Although he didnt reply me at times, I know he'll either be out of credit or he's working. If he has the credit, he'll get back to me as soon as he has the credit. I'm really glad to say these 2 are my friends.

It has been really weird for me last night as I've never thought that I can dream of someone whom I've never met before in real life but only from pictures. After knowing him and get in touch with him, I've been having weird dreams which involves him. First dream happened last week (can't remember the exact date) and I deny it because I thought I was thinking too much. I dreamt that I was back in Malaysia and I was out clubbing with all my Sunway friends inclusive of my current ex, Sly, Faireen & him (he's an outsider and not Sunwayian). When everything has ended, as usual I was drunk. Couldn't drive home so he drove me but not to my house as he doesn't know where I stay. It was his place but he gave his room to me and he was sleeping another room. That was is and I got up in the morning for class. My main question to this dream was not why I can dream of him but since my ex, Sly & Faireen is there with me too, why they didn't volunteer to drive me back or something? Why let an unknown person driving me not to my home but to his place? I find it unbelievable and impossible to happen. So I choose to ignore it. However, the second dream about him came last night (or I should say early this morning) where it is kind of blur because I ahve no idea where that place is. Very blur scene. But I know he is there next to me and we are actually enjoying ourselves. Lots of laughter, lots of catching and messing around. It was just a 10 minutes dream cause I had to wake up for my class. And because of this dream, I was about to be late for class. I wanted to tell him but I was afraid that he'll thinks that I'm into him or something. I hinted him and he too said that a couple of days ago he had with me. I find it very weird for both of us have not even met before can dream of each other just like that. One time is understandable, but mine is twice. I'm not sure if he's telling the truth, but he sounded like it. I'm not sure if there will be another dream which relates to him or not next week or in the coming future before I get back to really meet up with him. Ha??? Scary la.. Dreaming of someone you have not met before.. Anyone tried that before?