What’s up with those bitches out there? Nothing better to do is it? Other people’s bf and husband also they want to steal. Have no confidence in themselve for finding a better one for themselve is it? Why have to go korek things that belongs to other people and not theirs? So dam fucked up with those girls in Sunway!!! Can’t they just stay away from other people’s life? Why they so like to come in between and become couple’s problem? I go back, I’m going to fuck that girl upside down. She better get out of there and never let me hear where she is before she’s going to get it from me. Can’t she see that if it’s not hers, why does she still want to force? People already reject. Why is she so dam fucking cheap to go offer herself? Pussy itchy? Can also look for ducks or just become chicken. Would definitely earn much more money than working in Sunway Hotel and always having pressure around with guest. I’ve set him free when he ask for break up. Can’t you bloody bitch do the same thing? Oh My God!!! I cannot believe I’m so dam pissed off with her. I’ve never hated a person like now before. I really feel like finding people to fuck her upside down, the very next day when I step back on Malaysia land. Don’t let that day to come. Aaarrrgghhhh!!!! My goodness… Whoever a friend of her and know who am I talking about especially those working in Sunway PT, please pass this message to her. Please ask her to leave him alone… Just let him be with his life.. I don’t want to see him so pressured like that. It’s not yours, it can never be yours even if you force.. Please grow up and use your brain to think.. Not your ass, nor your pussy.. Hiaz…

*Oh My God!!! First time scolding people on blog.. Haha.. Hope she’ll understand and let go of him before I reach back before she’s going to get it from me. I really mean it.*

"Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it. I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it and so I surrender, just to hear your voice.

Don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you, and maybe someone else is standing there beside you. But there's something baby that you need to know. That deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying. I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy. The courage that I need to live, the air that I breathe. Living without you, my world's become so empty. The days are so cold and lonely and each night I taste, the purest of pain.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday. That it didn't hurt when you walked away, but to tell you the truth, I can't find my way.

And deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying. I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking.

Baby, give me back my fantasy. The courage that I need to live, the air that I breathe. Living without you, my world become so empty. The days are so cold and lonely, and each night I taste, the purest of pain."

*This song is by Son by 4 - Purest of Pain*

This is exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. Feelings that I can never express out or I don't even know how to put it into words to tell him how I'm feeling now without him in my life anymore. Lots everyday.. Emptiness in my heart. I do not know how joy is. My joy I once had, is gone forever. I really cannot control myself as I have seriously fallen deeply in love with him and really I would give up everything just for him. I really miss him. Even till now he doesn't want me, my love has never changed a single bit for him. It kept growing strong within me. Oh God, I'm pleading you on my knees to don't take him out from my life. I don't mind cutting my life short or take all circumstances you have decide to have on me, in return to have him back. I'll promise to be a better person and pray more or do more charity work. Anything you name it I'll promise to succeed in it in order to have Gerald back to me..

This morning, I had the most wonderful dream ever. I wonder what does it represent or what is it trying to tell me? I dreamt that I was back in Sunway working in reception together with my colleagues. I saw Ms. Carol, Irma (GSO), Sham (T/Leader - MT), Jessie (RC), Sam Jie & many more. So happy working there. Checking in and out guest. Wasn't very busy day because we still have time chit-chatting there and joking around. Looks very happy. Couldn't hear conversations at all. Just human and movement. It's like it's being muted. And then, suddenly a figure stood in front of me. Him, the one I loved the most. I'm not sure what kind of relationship are we at that time because we still have conversation and laughter. What is this telling me? Later when I saw him, I jumpped up from my sleep and that's the end of that dream. First time ever I dream of him since we got together till now. His smile, so natural. The same smile I saw that very night 2 days before I departed Malaysia during my college gathering at Strawberry Field. How I miss those moment. Now, the only source that I will be able to see him is via friend's picture. Like the one I saw from Jien's friendster's uploaded photos. I save it down, then crop until the picture only has him and I save from there. Whenever I want to see the latest him, I just open the photo and see. Do I need to do the same thing when I get back next year? Will there ever be a chance for us to get back together? He promised that he will wait for me to finish my study and return back to him. He said he treated me as his own wife already. But now? Everything crushed just because of his one word I'm giving him pressure. Does he understand and does he know what am I going through here about him? It's not easy for me to handle 2 emotions here myself. Frustrated with studies as I've entered the wrong course and wasn't allowed to go back and have to finish it, and on top of it, I have to hold myself back from the lack of communication with him because of him being tired everyday after work and from all his daily activities. I don't expect message from him everyday. But a message a month, is that too much? I know he is going through financial difficulties at the moment because of his work and also his car. I do understand how difficult it is to learn new things in a new environment. I am going through the same thing as well. But, he choosed to give up on our relationship because of this? Cause of friends? Friendship is much more important than relationship as per him. For my personal point-of-view, I would rather let go of the person I like for the person I love because the person I like will leave me for the person they love. I know there is a theory that saying friendship is important because losing a partner, you can always look for another. But losing a friend, you can never find back the same one. I fins it it's the same because losing your partner, can you find back the feeling for it? It's the same as friends. Balancing is the most important thing if you were to ask me. Is the same as social life with work life. Balancing too.. Anyway, no matter how long it will take, I will wait for him to come back to me. I will not let go of this relationship. He can choose to let go. But not me. However, I will not bother if he has decided to give up totally on it. My heart will always have his shadow being marked in it and not on it.  Sounds stupid? To bad.. This is me.. My love for Gerald, the only one I will love for the rest of my life.

I cannot believe I crushed the most precious thing of my life with my own bare hand. I treasured the most is my relationship with Gerald. I cannot believe I destroyed it myself. I'm hating myself for being so easily trust other people and have my relationship ended up like that. The one I loved the most is now gone from me. Only left shadow of him in my life now. His space is empty and it will always be, because I don't want anyone to take his place. Nobody can ever replace him in my heart. Although we will never be together ever again, I will not permit anyone coming into my life. Now, I just pray silently that nothing is wrong with my report which I will be getting back in 2 days time. I don't want to pressure him anymore. He say he wants back his life, I am happy to make it come true. I just want to be by his side supporting him. Find me stupid? No.. I do it willingly because he is my world. I cannot tie him up and see him sad. If he wants freedom, I give. I just want him to be happy and live the life he has always wanted.

This morning (30/9/08) at 5.03am in Switzerland, I received my beloved's message finally after so long and so many of messages I've sent. However, it is dissapointing and heart broken to me because he asked for a break up after our 3 months being together. I'm not sure when he ask for my heart on his birthday, after the Coco Banana was serious or not. I trusted and I believe that I have found the right person. Will be with him till the end of my life. I didn't know, once again my heart is given out and getting it back in pieces by another Sunway Hotel guy. I do not blame him for making this decision because I do admit that I have been giving him a lot of pressure since I left Malaysia. All I want was him to contact me all the time and letting me know everything. I didn't realize how difficult is it for him to carry out his 24hrs and plitting it into so many things like sleeping, personal time, working, activities and social time. How can he have time for me? Even if he can spend a minute that will be too tiring for him. I don't know why I always realize things once it has happened. But I guess this is my life. Always getting guys that comes and go as they want.

I wish I can be with him till the end of my life because I really love him sincerely even now after he has asked for the break up. However, I respect his decision. Like what my parents told me, if he's yours later he will still come back to you. But if it's not yours, there's no point of forcing being together as you will not get happiness. I do agree on that, that's why when he ask me not to contact him anymore and to stay away from him, I respect. Although I am shock with it because it doesn't seem like we have any big argument or what-so-ever, which I really don't know what was his main reason on dumping me, but my heart is still with him. Cannot have him in my life but to see him get his happiness is what I hope for. I'll pray hard for him. As for me, it doesn't matter because I've promised to love him till I die. Will never and can never have another to replace him in my heart. I know I sound silly. Can always look for another better guy. But to me, he is the best of all that I have been with before. He is the world to me and always be. Although I've lost this world but this will not stop me from living because I want to see him live happily. Memories that he has given me for this past 3 months has been the most happening thing in my life especially on the night of his birthday. Memories with him will never and can never fade in me. I have to learn to accept that things aren't mine is better to let go. Having him was really the best thing in my life and it will always be. I can't have him, at least the memories will always be with me.

"Dear, having your love is really the best gift God has ever given me. But He chose to take it back, He has His reason. No matter how, you will always remain in my heart and nothing or nobody will be able to replace you in me. I let go as you wanted to because I don't want to give you pressure anymore and don't want to think childishly like what you would normally describe me. I know I'm too young and not suitable for you. Perhaps another girl that is much more mature than me can bring you much more happiness and I'll pray for you on that. I just want to see you smile and stay happy everyday like what I've said before that night we had dinner with my college mates. Take care my beloved. I will always love you no matter what and misses the times we've spent together."